I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
