I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
Which sister was it? The one I accidentally hit when my shoe flew off or the one I ate candy off of when we were high?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
