i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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