did you get engaged???
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
