when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
Randomize
