yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
apparently I kept repeating I have a to do list this summer and he's on it
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