im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I say that because you at one point were like a mama spider covered with baby spiders only you were a man covered with strippers.
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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