the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
we're chasing vodka with high fives
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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