Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
Randomize
