Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism
cool. same. I'm in class drinking
NOT OKAY
sorry for partying
THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Randomize
