dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
