she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
There is no excuse for watching a Jesse McCartney movie.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
