your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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