I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
That's not a funny feeling. That's hepatitis. You got it from that bar where everything was sticky.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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