If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
my penis made a compromise with my morals
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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