My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Enjoy the penises
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
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