my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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