WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I pretty much landed into this relationship penis first
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
