you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
Randomize
