I bet he comes in French.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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