Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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