you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
Is it bad that your cum tickles when I swallow it?
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
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