Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
