Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Randomize
