I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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