I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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