At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I just got carded by a ten year old.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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