she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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