so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Randomize
