got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
