Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
