this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
