Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Randomize
