Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
