I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
