I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
