I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
your brother just told me that Guinness is the first book of the Bible...
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
