Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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