paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
lets do drugs on my lunch break tomorrow
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I think we ended 5-7 relationships as well this weekend...so another good stat
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
