I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
Randomize
