I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
Randomize
