I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
sarcasm needs its own font
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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