How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
Randomize
