i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I felt like a personal hot pocket and all I could taste was cigarettes.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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