this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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