I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
I just saw that your im name has '4eva' in it. Your man card has been revoked.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
