just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
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