when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I RAN OVER A NUN! I RAN OVER A FUCKING NUN! GOD WILL NEVER FORGIVE ME FOR MY SINS NOW!!!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Three cans of beer can fit in the shower catty... multi tasking
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