he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
