Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
