I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
Randomize
